Coffee and Consciousness

Recently there’s been a surge of papers being published at the intersection of Coffee and Consciousness.

Evidence shows there’s reason to believe Coffee was the primordial substance which arose consciousness in man.

Perhaps it’s ludicrous to suggest that our image of man pre-consciousness, the Bicameral man, was able to engage in the complex art of brewing. Indeed it is ludicrous but the Coffee Consciousness research institute(CCRI) is claiming precisely that.

An estimated 30,000 years back there’s record of humanoids wandering the earth, engaging in the evolutionary foreplay that would eventually lead to our existence, and unbeknownst to archeologists and historians, between the constant sex and combat of their short lives, there was a long tradition of coffee brewing.

‘Caroline’ is what the first coffee-making cavewoman is being called. She was found struck in the act of pouring a fresh brew into a wooden mug.

To the researchers surprise, much of the technology being used 30,000 years ago is on par with current cutting-edge technology. Indeed, these unconscious beings were brewing perfect cups of coffee without a clue of what they were doing.

How could this be?

Well it began with what’s being dubbed by Principal Investigator, Mario Lazlo, as ‘The God Blend’.

The God-Blend is a unique coffee bean fermenting process in which the bean is fertilized with pre-digested beans. This self-referentiality mimics the same process-phenomenon as human consciousness, and imbued the beans with novel chemicals which Scientists believe responsible for human consciousness.

The God-Blend theory is being explored not only be scientists but coffee aficionados alike.

Unfortunately this is driving coffee sales down in larger parts of the world. With the entire nation banding together, consuming large amounts of beans, and shitting their brains out, the scent of coffee has become indistinguishable from feces. The Rotten Fox cafe located in Seattle, mistakenly sold one of their customers a double shot pure shit mistaken as a doppio.

Despite the recent surge in interests, nobody seems to have found the God-Blend. Some speculators believe it’ll be responsible for unlocking the next generation of humans. Some believe it’s the missing link between man and immortality.